Confusion, excitement, insight, discomfort. All rubbing elbows while I keyboard in the thick sleepy air of my study, dreaming of two-zone climate control. The downstairs is chilly with air conditioning, the upstairs stultifying; but there's something satisfying about my stubborn persistence here. If only I had the stern habit of mind to direct my energy consistently toward some rationally recognized priority, some wise measuring. I know I don't, so as I am now and here, I feel grateful when I manage to harness the mustangs intermittently, briefly, skillfully I hope ...
Early in the day I was thinking on some inchoate but pretty well articulated insight. You know when a number of filaments trailing off various simultaneous lifestreams appear to be drawing together into a stronger cable right before your eyes? like that. Ah, it was about loneliness again. The irony and oppression of how each of us pursues a seamless, impermeable 'me' in which to dwell, and then drown in sorrow at the isolation of seamlessness and impermeability. And then lash out at anyone impudent to hold up a mirror reminding us of our many fissures and pores. Did you know that there is no real boundary to the body (much less to the self)? There is a boundary, yes. But it is not a real boundary. It is not so much fictional as contingent.
That current of thought meshed with another, something very unfamiliar and odd to me: I had (have) a story idea ... a narrative that has nothing whatever to do with my own memories (that's the unfamiliar part). I'm playing this one close to my chest—don't even bother asking me about it, or I'll run off like a frightened bunny. But it arrived, and stayed, and I even took some notes. Huh.
And I can feel that there's something stirring, something afoot, that I finally am about to leap headlong to whatever is next. I know I'm being vague and abstract. All the pyrotechnics here are quite invisible to the eye. But inside? I'm all rage and roar and colored sparks. I have to say, it makes me kind of tired.
Ah but it is a wonderful fecundity, isn't it?
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