right speech

Compassionate inquiry into our reactions and strategies is fundamental to the process of awakening. We are encouraged to be curious about the neurosis that's bound to kick in when our coping mechanisms start falling apart. This is how we get to the place where we stop believing in our personal myths, the place where we are not always divided against ourselves, always resisting our own energy. This is how we learn to abide in basic goodness.

It's an ongoing practice. From the instant we begin training as a boddhisattva until we completely trust the freedom of our unconditional, unbiased mind, we are surrendering moment by moment to whatever is happening in this very instant of time. With precision and gentleness we surrender our cherished ways of regarding ourselves and others, our cherished ways of holding it all together, our cherished ways of blocking our tender heart. In the process of doing this again and again over many challenging and inspiring years, we develop an appetite for groundlessness.&mdash Pema [of course ... as usual]

This is the story of how I suck at being what is referred to in dharma as a 'spiritual friend.' That's not a guru—it could be, but it isn't necessarily—it's just a fellow traveller, someone who is your companion in commitment to your truth. Or I could further alienate the non-dharma audience by saying it this way: it's someone who has total confidence in your buddha nature and supports you in connecting with that.

I have a friend who has gone through hell. And it was my strong conviction that there was some stuff my friend could let go of, that would lighten her up to rise out of that hell. I was thinking in terms of the quoted paragraph above. For a long time I was seeing, and questioning myself about what I was seeing. I have a healthy skepticism about my own opinions. I look for my own biases, and in this case, my own biases were hale and hearty, so—you know how when you buy from the salad bar, they call it 'tare', they subtract the weight of the plate?—I was really trying to make generous allowances for the weight of the plate. Not feeling adequate to being able to speak wisely and well, for a long long time I was silent. But I saw acute suffering, and over months and months I felt increasingly what a terrible coward I was, as I saw suffering unfolding over and over again and said nothing to the point.

So eventually, I couldn't stand it any longer; I tried to speak. But I just wasn't able to do it right. I could have the choir chime in here and tell me that 'some people just can't be reached.' If you are contemplating leaving a comment like that, please: don't. I don't believe that there is anyone who can't be reached. The right words, the right time, the right attitude, and anyone can hear what needs to be heard.

Mind you, I still am aware that I might have been wrong anyway. There's so much I don't know, so much that no one outside another's situation can know.

But in a way, it's all irrelevant. I failed, and I lost a friend, and I accept this with sadness and a will to look hard at myself and think about whether I can know myself a little better tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow.

Comments

[maria]

Oh, I am sorry. It's happenned to me, too, that I lose a friend, whether out my thinking I KNOW their situation, when in fact I don't, or them thinking they know mine, it always is a bitter point. Perhaps things can still be mended?

[Mindy]

Abraham Harold Maslow was an American psychologist who played a key role in the development of modern humanistic psychology. Maslow is perhaps best known because of his theory of differing levels of motivation which describes the process by which individuals fulfill their needs.

These were: 1. biological needs; 2. safetey and security; 3. love and belongingness; and 4. self-esteem. The earliest are the most basic and the later build upon the former. This scheme could include higher levels of needs, but Maslow did not go further than this.

Biological needs include food, water, sex, and sleep - the goal is simply to live. Safety needs include structure, order, security, and predictability - the goal is to eliminate uncertainty and provide order to life. Love needs include affiliation, friends, companions, a supportive family, and identification with the group - the goal here is to provide for intimacy and reduce alienation. Esteem needs involve the search for comptency, competence, and a high regard from one's peer group.

The ultimate goal of all of this, at least according to Maslow's humanist psychology, is to provide for the self-actualization of the individual. Such a person has a "more efficient" perception of reality because their perception was not distorted by unfulfilled needs eating away at them. Such a person is more resistant to various forms of social repression and indoctrination, has a stronger sense of friendship with others rather than superficial relationships, and is more spontaneous and creative.

I am sure that when your friend is finished redecorating Maslow's basement, she will be on a plane closer to your own.

[Mindy]

And with this, I close my tags...

[jilbur]

well, that's something to think about ... but if my post wrongly suggests that I feel as though I'm 'more evolved' than my friend, then all i can say is that this is not how I feel. and I don't think that the process of waking up is a luxury that is attended to someday later when we've got our shit together--i believe it's fully integrated into survival. I realize that many people view anything that refers to spiritual matters as being 'above' the more gritty plane of daily cares, but my experience has been the reverse.

[zeno]

You know me, you know I am as evolved as they come, you know I never need advice and you know that every step i take is taken with great care and consideration. I am the Fred Astaire of the psycho-spiritual dance troupe.

I coined a new phrase for my therapist - "homeopathic psychology", meaning a little bit of what kills you makes you better. Fit that in a psychotic's diary.