wrecking ball

There was a time when some people I knew gave me some credit for wisdom. Maybe that time is finally going to come to an end. Wisdom isn't an attribute, anyway: it's something that passes through a person within a favorable moment. I suppose there may be some talent or developed skill in bringing such moments to fruition, but if I once had a season of being a medium for insight, I fear that it's past.

Today I seem to have slipped off of an edge that I didn't even know I was near. I'm teary and acting out, and I am probably irrational. I fear I've already made mistakes that I'll regret, and I wish that I felt that someone really understood me—or maybe could explain me to myself. One of my friends said earlier this week that I appeared to be constructing a new identity for myself. I am fairly certain that I am not; but on the other hand, there is a lot of revisionist history going on, and that process raises a lot of dust.

If only, if only. I want comfort, I close my eyes and try to imagine a hand on my shoulder and so very few words that would surely remove me from wherever I am. I haven't the slightest idea what those words are ... I know only that I seem to be sick from the lack of them.

Comments

[Ing]

Sorry, Jilbur. Change sucks, especially when it's internal. The lack of sleep might not be helping.

Here are the words I say to my sister when she's feeling shitty, and I'll say them to you: "Heat the chocolate. Pour in the liquor. Find the fluffy book. It will look better tomorrow. Probably."

[Lisa T.]

I get in this same situation.... I don't feel myself...
I think I'm handling everything and then the next breath I feel like I'm acting out, as you put it... all in one fell swoop...then I feel REALLY disconnected to even my body.
We are all pumping all this medicine in our bodies...but...
I know... the dumps... No magical solutions here. I kind of crave change... it makes me feel like something is happening rather then everything is static, thus giving me hope.

I hope you find a peaceful place (if not try a benedryl to sleep... not many side effects or that dopey feeling the next day.)

[zeno]

Wisdom isn't an attribute, it is a gift and it's one you possess. Trouble with wisdom is that it don't work on yourself. Here's a trick, listen to wise people and just accept that you are good.