SuspendedAnimation

believe me, I've tried ...

It's already been a day or two, and I still haven't come up with a satisfactory way to blog this, so: unsatisfactory will have to do. So, what's new with you? Really? Wow, that sounds just [check adjective most applicable: _dandy _miserable _divine  _horrific  _deadly boring]. Me? Not so much, no. Well, there is this one thing. There's been some talk, you know, with all the mental health professionals ... and it appears fairly certain that I have—have always had—attention deficit disorder.

Yeah, I know, man. Far freaking out!

This is the way it went down, approximately: One of the crack team suggested this to me a while back, and I looked at the suggestion superficially and kind of dismissed it ... this was before the academic stuff went one.hundred.per.cent haywire. Then there was, let's see, misery misery misery ... lots of reflection on way, way past events ... random mentioning of the crack team member's suggestion to another member of crack team, who recommended this book; immediate purchase and subsequent avoidance of the book; spouse's finding book and reading (about half of) book; spouse's gentle prodding to read the book; and shocked recognition of detailed biography of the suspended animator on every fucking page of the book.

Shit. Shit shit shit shit.

So what it comes down to is that toward the end of this month I have an appointment with my psychiatrist for a psych eval and possibly an initial diagnosis, and I have to say I'm fairly certain, especially given my childhood history, that the diagnosis is forthcoming.

Things not to say when someone tells you s/he has adult attention deficit disorder, part 1 of [?]

Oh, it's not ADD--don't be silly—I [lose things all the time] [have a cluttered home] [miss appointments] too. That's just normal for some people! Well, I can't speak for anyone else, but I wouldn't be following this up if I didn't have forty years' experience to tell me that the struggles I have with daily life have had a profound negative effect on the course of my life and has been an enormous stressor on my marriage and the single biggest factor on the state of my 'career', such as it is. Others will have to judge for themselves whether forgetfulness, severe disorganization, inability to plan and acute distractibility represent pervasive obstacles in their lives, just as I've had to judge for mine.

I don't believe in labels. You're just who you are. *guiltily rips self-stick HI! MY NAME IS ADULT ADD sticker off shirt* If this were just about a name to stick on brain or my behavior, I wouldn't bother, and I almost didn't—fortunately for myself, I think, I found out more and reconsidered. The thing is, there were such a diverse array of factors within me that are all attributable to ADD—things I thought of as part of my 'character' or 'personality', but which I ended up feeling were in fact 'character defects', 'personality flaws', or 'mysterious blemishes inevitably fucking up everthing I hold most dear' ... understanding how all the things I thought of as separate weaknesses and failings comprise one recognizable cognitive pattern gives me an opportunity to capitalize on the knowledge and experience of a lot of people who have lived with and learned about this way of thinking and being, and give me a chance to alter the course of my life without 'reinventing the wheel.'

Okay then. I'm off to Boston to celebrate my older sister's birthday with her; I may blog from there, or I may be having just too damn much fun for that. But my love and blessings to all of you, my darling readers; and may the coming year bring you growth and peace and the warm rays of the sun and other good things.

hoooooboy

Stay tuned, kids: she'll be comin' 'round the mountain soon. No, I'm not trying to drum up an artificial air of anticipation or mystery or suspense or anything like that--hey, have you found me to be a whore for stats like that? I give y'all nuthin', bupkes, and I'm bewildered that anyone's stuck with me as long as some of you apparently have--it's just that what's been happening with me lately is still in a highly unprocessed state, and I haven't figured out yet how to blog about it. I was going to add 'and when', but I realize that after a teaser like this I'll have to come through with something in the next day or two. If anyone is paying attention. During the Christmas-to-New-Year (look zeno, no apostrophe-'s' on New Year!) lull ...

If I merely say that I have had occasion to re-evaluate and re-interpret the entire course of my life history to date, does that give an adequate idea of scope and depth? My mind—such as it is—is blown ...

But I've gotta, I've just gotta give you more than that. So first of all, I'll say that it's my intention to re-activate on the blog—start posting more frequently as I did in days of yore. I know I can do it. And second: here's a 'golden oldie' IM exchange that demonstrates that, if you like 'facetious' when you're pouring your heart out to a friend, I'm your girl:

me: it wasn't your problem, but I know that's cold comfort.
her: I should've known better.
me: yes, because really, only assholes make mistakes in their choices. This is a proven fact.
her: Of course.
me: that's why I'm friends with so many assholes, in fact.
me: Mindy for example? asshole.
her: LOL I'm telling Mindy. ?
me: oh she'll agree with me.
me: we call each other 'pendejo' all the time, y'know

Disclaimer: Mindy is not an asshole. That was said ironically, as in, 'point out to friend that people we love and respect make mistakes, too.' Any of you readers out there who didn't catch that: hello! you're a retard!

Titles of books that are really truly on my shelves

The "The ... of ..." series:

The logic of practice

The dialectics of seeing

The spiritual life of children

The policing of families

The ideology of the aesthetic

The archaeology of knowledge

The history of sexuality

The care of the self

The birth of the clinic

The case of Sigmund Freud

The mismeasure of man

The birth of whiteness

The mask of benevolence

The politics of modernism

The history of the five Indian nations

The social life of information

The natural history of the rich

The life and opinions of Tristram Shandy

The rise of Silas Lapham

The custom of the country

The house of mirth

The wings of the dove

The mystery of Edwin Drood

The collected poems of William Carlos Williams, vol. 1

The last of the Mohicans

The red badge of courage

The unusual life of Tristan Smith

The heights of Macchu Picchu
The "body/bodies" series:

Body/politics

Bodies and machines

The woman in the body

Posthuman bodies

Our bodies, ourselves

Flexible bodies

"Defects": engendering the modern body

Deviant bodies
The "science" series:

Technoscience and cyberculture

Reflections on gender and science

Science as social knowledge

Sexual science

Science wars

Feminism and science

The "racial" economy of science (this one could go on the "The ... of" list as well)
The "titles of three words, the second word being 'and' or '&'" series:

Angels & insects

Saints and strangers

Madness and civilization

Discipline and punish

Democracy and education

Technoscience and cyberculture [yeah, a repeat—sue me]

Love and theft

Sweetness and power

Bodies and machines [another repeat]

Feminism and science [yet another repeat]

Mules and men

Troilus and Criseyde

And others that just sound funny, at least to me, out of context:

The Lone Ranger and Tonto fistfight in heaven

Sexwise

Yoga for people who can't be bothered to do it

How to do things with words

Eat fat

Royal commentaries of the Incas and general history of Peru

Barbie unbound

O sweet Mystery Spot of life, at last I've found you ...

If you really want to know all about it, here is the journalistic-like, fact-filled, detailed version of what happened. But would I offer something so mundane? (Sorry Mindy. Don't swat me. No, no, your blog is not mundane. C'mon! Joke! Lighten up!) I think not.

As some of you know already, zeno had shilled this place energetically to me, and persuasively enough to merit allotting some of my precious Mindy time to driving out and exploring it. To quote: If it doesn't confound you and if you don't leave the spot with a totally new view of life I will eat my shorts.

It could be TMI for me to know whether zeno would benefit from the additional dietary fiber that his shorts would surely provide. In any case, that won't be necessary because I was confounded, if confounded is a satisfactory way of saying disoriented and slightly nauseated, and I have been seized by a totally new view of life, which I will hereby contrast with the old:

Old View Of Life

The Mountain Goats

Yankees

Wish I could afford $750K home in Belmont, Massachusetts

Dr. Pepper

A sibling for my child would provide a lifelong companion and poignant memories of a shared childhood

The results of the recent presidential election are cause for alarm, dismay and consternation

New View Of Life

The Be Good Tanyas

Red Sox

Wish I could afford $750K home in San Jose, California

Mr. Pibb

A sibling for my child would provide ample lifelong opportunities for teasing and mild physical torments

The results of the recent presidential election are cause for sackcloth, ashes, handwringing and gnashing of teeth

Change is good!

She's not the only one with Loganisms

Or, Get in line, Logan, all men respond to me this way ...

Logan [to server putting chicken tenders platter before him]: Thank you.
Jill: That's so polite—you're great.
L: You're always saying that!
J:What, that you're great?
L: Yeah ...
J: Well ... okay, maybe you're not great, then.
L: Well, you're embarrassing me!
J: So, you think I should stop saying that?
L: Well, I think you should keep saying it, but it embarrasses me ...
J: So, it embarrasses you, but in a way you like?
L: Yeah—that's a good way of saying it.

Caliwhuh?

Um ... so ... I uh ... got on a ...

plane.

And ended up somehow at this lady's house.

She's cool. There are a bunch of cute kids that also appear to live here. We (Mindy and I--not the kids)'ve been drinking some really good wine and today I got to tool around downtown Palo Alto for a while and got my very first ever manicure, which means at this rate I'll be due for another some time around my 80th birthday.

I'm so embarrassed that it's taken me this long to blog about coming here that I appear to be unable to convey how happy I am to finally get to hang out with my beloved pal Mindy in actual 3-D real snuggly life. She is a wonderful friend ... now, if I could just get her to stop being a hostess and just let me be the second mommy around the house ... not that I'm complaining! hey, whose ass do I have to kiss to get another glass of wine over here??

balls

Spaghetti and meatballs--what did you think I meant?

I feel pretty horrible, which is not surprising, being a failure and good-for-nothing and general waste of human space little bit blue and all; but for someone of limited ability and potential, I'm a reputable cook; and I thought that making spaghetti and meatballs might make me feel better. As I type this, Howie is taking over the rudimentary boiling-the-pasta part of the process, while I record for you the recipe. I really wanted to post the wonderful illustration of Frances the badger eating her plateful of spaghetti and meatballs from Bread and Jam For Frances, but we haven't bought a scanner yet, so no luck there--google did not come through for me this time.

This is not a particularly inventive recipe, and I will brook no complaints about the authenticity of this or that ingredient. I'm not forcing anyone to make this, especially because it contains cruel, cruel veal. So leave the damn veal out if you're not interested in torturing your fellow creatures! I do recommend, however, finding a guaranteed-BSE-free source of meat. I may be lax about generating nasty karma, but I am fairly vigilant about limiting potential prion consumption.

And another thing. Like some of my other recipes (which can be viewed all in a slice by clicking the 'nourish thyself' category), you may note that amounts recorded have a tendency to be imprecise. And that is because I cook by sight and intuition, and don't measure much ... so perhaps that might be a signal that, even though I have a reputation for being a cook of some substantial talent (which reputation has been promoted principally by myself), I might not be the best source for recipes. I've not had any feedback on this matter. In fact, you might say that when I offer a recipe, it's so useless as to amount to nothing more than unsubstantiated boasting and vainglorious self-celebration of my putative gastronomic achievements. Crowing over my culinary prowess. Etc. That's as may be, but at the moment I'm going to have to settle for that, because I need some bucking up; so I beg your indulgence.

Later note: this did come out tremendously tasty, and it cheered me up for about an hour, but then I fell back down and I still can't get up. So I think that dashes any hope I had about marketing Meatball XR 750mg as the next miracle mood disorder remedy: the SMRI (Selective Meatball Reuptake Inhibitor).

Tomato Sauce with Meatballs
3/4 lb. 'meatloaf mix' (equal parts ground veal, beef and pork)
1 egg
about 1/2 c plain dry breadcrumbs
a few generous grindings of fresh nutmeg
many generous grindings of fresh pepper
1/2 tsp salt
1 oz. freshly grated parmesan cheese
1 small clove garlic, through a press

1 small onion, finely chopped
virgin olive oil
1 28 oz. can crushed tomatoes

Thoroughly mix meat with crumbs, eggs, seasonings, cheese and garlic.

Heat a generous amount of olive oil over medium-high heat. Add onion and stir until fragrant. Form meat mixture into small balls, the size of a walnut, and brown in the olive oil. The onion will brown as well. Add tomato and bring to a lively simmer; reduce heat and simmer, covered, 20-25 minutes. Makes enough meatballs and sauce for 1 lb. of spaghetti or linguine, serving 4-5 adults generously.

Really trying

As in, how to fail at blogging, while really trying.

I got nuthin' ... really. This non-post is intended as a placemark. I don't know why I've got nuthin' ... at least, I got nuthin' for my blog. And I have little for outside the blog. I don't remember, at the moment, why I was doing this. Not that I am not profoundly grateful for the gifts it has brought me, which have been many, and unmerited.

I started two other posts: one umbilico-scopophilic (ha, I think I just made that up, but I doubt I'm that clever), and one vacuous and not adequately amusing--and I thought: If I can't do better than these, better leave off for a bit. Maybe when I get all the schoolwork behind me, I can re-approach this ... whatever-it-is ... with gusto, damn! you bet!

Until such time, you have my affection ... and my archives. xo