believe me, I've tried ...

It's already been a day or two, and I still haven't come up with a satisfactory way to blog this, so: unsatisfactory will have to do. So, what's new with you? Really? Wow, that sounds just [check adjective most applicable: _dandy _miserable _divine  _horrific  _deadly boring]. Me? Not so much, no. Well, there is this one thing. There's been some talk, you know, with all the mental health professionals ... and it appears fairly certain that I have—have always had—attention deficit disorder.

Yeah, I know, man. Far freaking out!

This is the way it went down, approximately: One of the crack team suggested this to me a while back, and I looked at the suggestion superficially and kind of dismissed it ... this was before the academic stuff went one.hundred.per.cent haywire. Then there was, let's see, misery misery misery ... lots of reflection on way, way past events ... random mentioning of the crack team member's suggestion to another member of crack team, who recommended this book; immediate purchase and subsequent avoidance of the book; spouse's finding book and reading (about half of) book; spouse's gentle prodding to read the book; and shocked recognition of detailed biography of the suspended animator on every fucking page of the book.

Shit. Shit shit shit shit.

So what it comes down to is that toward the end of this month I have an appointment with my psychiatrist for a psych eval and possibly an initial diagnosis, and I have to say I'm fairly certain, especially given my childhood history, that the diagnosis is forthcoming.

Things not to say when someone tells you s/he has adult attention deficit disorder, part 1 of [?]

Oh, it's not ADD--don't be silly—I [lose things all the time] [have a cluttered home] [miss appointments] too. That's just normal for some people! Well, I can't speak for anyone else, but I wouldn't be following this up if I didn't have forty years' experience to tell me that the struggles I have with daily life have had a profound negative effect on the course of my life and has been an enormous stressor on my marriage and the single biggest factor on the state of my 'career', such as it is. Others will have to judge for themselves whether forgetfulness, severe disorganization, inability to plan and acute distractibility represent pervasive obstacles in their lives, just as I've had to judge for mine.

I don't believe in labels. You're just who you are. *guiltily rips self-stick HI! MY NAME IS ADULT ADD sticker off shirt* If this were just about a name to stick on brain or my behavior, I wouldn't bother, and I almost didn't—fortunately for myself, I think, I found out more and reconsidered. The thing is, there were such a diverse array of factors within me that are all attributable to ADD—things I thought of as part of my 'character' or 'personality', but which I ended up feeling were in fact 'character defects', 'personality flaws', or 'mysterious blemishes inevitably fucking up everthing I hold most dear' ... understanding how all the things I thought of as separate weaknesses and failings comprise one recognizable cognitive pattern gives me an opportunity to capitalize on the knowledge and experience of a lot of people who have lived with and learned about this way of thinking and being, and give me a chance to alter the course of my life without 'reinventing the wheel.'

Okay then. I'm off to Boston to celebrate my older sister's birthday with her; I may blog from there, or I may be having just too damn much fun for that. But my love and blessings to all of you, my darling readers; and may the coming year bring you growth and peace and the warm rays of the sun and other good things.

Comments

[Lisa]

It's really not as bad as it sounds. My husband was diagnosed 5 years ago and it has made an enormous difference in his/our life. Recognizing the problem is part of it. Out of our 4 kids, 1 daughter has it. I know I am mildly ADD, I am not on meds (as my husband and daughter are) but I do recognize some of my tendencies to flit from thing to thing without finishing tasks. I try behavior modification, make myself finish. I probably would benefit from meds, but I hate to take even Tylenol, plus who wants their whole family on meds? I feel like we would be a walking joke then. There are plenty of people who are going to tell you this is disease of the week, yada, yada, over diagnosed. However, when you have it and you can find ways to deal with it, those people are insulting. I think its a fairly common malady. I seriously know caffiene helps me to focus. Just read how rambling this post is and you damn well know I have it.
A joke
How many people with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?

Wanna go ride a bike?

[Lisa]

Another book I would read (or thumb through at Barnes & Noble, while drinking a latte' and walking toward the children's section to pick out a present for your niece, whose birthday you forgot, but stopping on the way to look at employee picks in fiction) is Driven to Distraction.

Another thing- people with ADD are often really intellegent (my daughter's IQ is higher than mine or my husband's) and creative.

I'll just leave a comment here everytime I should be finishing a paper.

[scott]

Hey there. Hope you are coping. All the best for the new year.
By the way, I've noticed that most bloggers appear to rely on health professionals for their mental well-being. We're all nuts, so don't mind us! :-)

[zeno]

Whatever you do, do it with aplomb. You always do anyway.

I'm zeno by the way, your buddy.

[Philip]

Recognition is so much better than denial, or not knowing, or wondering. I think you are imminently qualified on both an intellectual and emotional level to handle all the ramifications of this condition. I hope that you'll blog it every chance you get, so others who don't express themselves as beautifully as you do can appreciate your voice.

[Tam]

Well, so you (likely) have ADD. From the little I know about it, that rings a small bell. (I've seen your purse and the inside of your car!) Here's to less guilt and stress & more helpful strategies and love (of self and otherwise) in 2005.

xo

ps--if you find other sites that explain ADD to the layperson, please post links for your readers' edification :-)

[Jo]

You know, if you'd just relax, maybe your brain pathways would completely rewrite themselves!

No? How about a cruise to the Bahamas?

Hey, where are you throwing me?

[Amber]

Happy New Year, hope you're having fun!

[Pamalamadingdong]

You know, I've been telling my husband for YEARS that I think he has ADD. he is in total denial. But does one of those self eval things and get's it like 100% ok...maybe 95%.
Now what?

[Sheryl]

I just came by to wish you a Happy New Year. My husband has ADD too. I know it is a very frustrating disorder.(hugs) Wellbuterin helps combat it, plus depression (if you're on an antidepressant) also Stratera is amphetamine free, and seems to have good results. Hope your psych eval goes well.

[Lauren]

I can tell you one way to find out if you DON'T have it....take Ritalin. If you flip out and clean your entire house in 20 minutes then you don't need it. If, however you mellow out and manage to complete tasks, sentences, projects about Africa that are due next week, then you likely need to be on it. Sorry, I was projecting my 12 year old son. He's been on it for eight years. I have LOTS of anecdotes!