When entirely flummoxed--make lists.

Five Booby Prizes For a Failed Pregnancy

1. No worry that first-trimester nausea will ruin your summer vacation


2. Time on fertility disabled list (three months) gives opportunity to lose weight and strengthen abdominal and pelvic floor muscles


3. Licence to consume all pregnancy-proscribed foods and drugs (ignore contradiction to 2. Shut up.)


4. Indefinite free pass for all obnoxious behavior, passed off as 'mourning' by tolerant friends until they decide that you're just an asshole


5. Two words: extra venopuncture!

Four Trivial Things to Regret About Failed Pregnancy

1. Lost opportunity to sample Old Navy summer '04 maternity collections


2. No longer eligible for handicapped parking privileges on campus this coming fall


3. Brain malfunctions cannot be passed off as hormonal


4. No chance of synchronous pregnancy with excruciatingly cool person

Four Obnoxious Metaphors For A Blastocyte That Doesn't Respond to First Dose Of Methotrexate

1. Idiot Savant


2. Post-Apocalyptic Cockroach


3. Party Crasher


4. Leech

Comments

[Lee]

YOUR FLOORS HAVE PELVISES!!!????? That's SO very creepy.

[Mir]

Oh shit, I think Lee made me pee a little.

Listen, how many people can work venopuncture into the conversation as well as you, I ask? It is a special gift you have.

MWAH!

[Sheryl]

Wish I had a witty comment, but I am really sorry about your loss.

[Jo]

Oh, Jilbur. I wish this wasn't true, but:

All the cool girls have ectopic pregnancies.

Yeah, that's right, I'm cool.

But you're cooler, with your hardcore blastocyst. I love you, jokey in your grief and anger. Call me and I'll laugh at the darkness with you, or we can wallow in it, whichever you need.

[Chris]

I'm sorry. I've been thinking about you and am at least glad you're okay. Drop me a line if you need anything at all, okay?

[Julie]

Believe me, you don't want to be pregnant with me. I am pretty sure my shitty attitude is hideously teratogenic. You should probably wait for at least three months after I give birth, just to make sure you're not absorbing horrible toxins transmitted via glowing pixels.

Sorry, but it's the safest thing to do.

Yours in the darkest black humor,
Methotrexate sucks ass

[Karen]

I just got into your blog (why the hell haven't I read it before???? Am i an idiot??) and just wanted to say that i'm so sorry for your loss.

[Hula Doula]

I am sitting here looking at the computer, not knowing what to say.
I am so sorry never seems appropriate. I may not be cool but add me to the ectopic list.
My heart goes out to you and your family.