I ran across the Excedrin chip o'dung while looking for the per dose caffeine content for a friend--not because I was, at that moment, having a headache myself. But lo and behold, the moment I publish my sneering attack on their acetamino-peddling, I am felled by a mighty semi-metaphoric blow to the head; I am now in what might be called blinding pain, in that the piercing agony wrapping my skull induces me to close my eyes and then, dude, like, I can't see! So wouldn't that, then, be blinding? Forgive me--pain does not sharpen my wits.
Well, I think the headache might be one of the symptoms of a lame-ass kind of cold I caught yesterday, which doesn't have much else in the way of symptoms except a kind of floury, insincere (but persistent) cough, and the sensation that an industrious salamander crept into my nasal passage and throat while I was asleep, and walked around with 000 grit sandpaper shoes for a while. Apart from that, I feel great.
That's why I had enough energy to have the following email exchange with Jo about a mutually detested co-worker:
From: [email protected]
Sent: Friday, April 9, 2004 3:33 pm
To: [email protected]
Subject: An idle mind
Since I am fortunate enough not to be subjected to this today, I don't know why it occurs to me to express my irritation at the way Detestella pronounces 'room.'
not with 'oo' to rhyme with 'boot';
not with 'oo' to rhyme with 'book' (not my favorite, but I'll let it slide);
but somewhere between 'oo' in 'book' and 'u' in 'I have an enormous BUTT.'
Also reminiscent of 'redRUM redRUM redRUM.'
From: [email protected]
Sent: Friday, April 9, 2004 4:27 pm
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: An idle mind
That has always, ALWAYS bothered me about her. For real. It could also be
a thick Scottish accent pronouncing that demon beverage...
From: [email protected]
Sent: Friday, April 9, 2004 4:43 pm
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: An idle mind
And furthermore: the word is always pronounced in bold, italicized capitals,
thus calling attention to its nonstandard pronunciation.
I think "nonstandard" should totally be an insult. As in:
"Dude, that weed you sold me was totally nonstandard! It was like oregano
shake or some shit."
"Shuh! Those pants are way nonstandard. What is she dressed for, the Cinco
de Mayo gordita sale at Taco Bell?"
To fully appreciate Ms Van de Leery Polyp's masterly skewering of Detestella, it helps to know that the object of our depreciation was actually wearing those nonstandard pants on Thursday. Although of course I can't conjure up an exact image of them, let us just say that this and this give a good general idea of theme and intensity in the offending article of apparel.
All of which leads to my choice of slogan:
Don't malign others.
Which as you can see is a big point of struggle for me. The idea, I know, is that while dissecting the foibles of the supremely annoying under a high-power microscope might seem like good fun, ultimately it's not toward my greater happiness. Or, it's distracting me from some more skillful use of my focus and energies.
So I ask you--why does it please me so? When does the karmic fallout begin?
*shuffles this slogan to the bottom of the pile
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