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Wednesday, 14 April 2004

Comments

Jo

Glad you got out of that one. You've earned every atom of your smarts, you lovable dumbass.

Let me address (read: butt in to) this bit here:

"I truly regret the role I had in destroying C and A's marriage.
But Jilbur, they were responsible for their own actions, too.
You bet. But that doesn't let me off the hook.
Nope, sure doesn't. But does it help to think of yourself as an implement rather than the implementer? It just sounds to me like you want to shoulder all the responsibility for this, and that just ain't necessary. I'm just not buying the idea that you were an equal partner.
It's not as though they were likely to have had such a great marriage. And if it wasn't you, wouldn't it have been someone else?
Maybe so. But, selfishly, I still wish I hadn't had any part in the whole thing. I wish I had taken stock of the insanity of the situation, and just walked--early, and fast."
That's not the same thing as believing yourself responsible for the carnage. In fact, I think it's a better way to look at it. Yeah, if you'd been a fully enlightened human being, maybe you could've gotten out right away. So what? It happened, you participated, and now you can forgive yourself for that. Right? Riiiight?

Tam

This is a succinct rendition of what happened, but it doesn't even scratch the surface of all the turmoil, emotional havoc, etc. that you must have suffered through. It sure as shit doesn't sound to me like you "wrecked" *anyone's* marriage. You had no control over whether A was being hypocritical, afraid to tell C "no," completely lacking in self-knowledge, C's egotism, steamrollerism, etc. Sounds like your appearing on the scene was a catalyst rather than a cause.

I look back on my 20-year-old self (and my 24-year-old self, and my 30-year-old self, and...) and TRY to view that person in a tolerant, forgiving way, sometimes even tempered with pity for the naivete or fallout from bad choices. This, of course, doesn't always work by any stretch. I still cringe and berate myself for bad things I did to other people when I was 30/20/18/15. (Causing me to sometimes yelp out, "oh, whatEVER!", which is a verbal form of cringing, to the startled chagrin of my husband.) I sometimes wonder why it's easier to forgive others their past foibles than it is to forgive yourself. I've never met a wise 22-year-old.

Comparative wisdom is a good thing. I, too, wish you hadn't been involved in that whole business. But I'm glad you got where you got when we met, and if that was a part of getting you there, then maybe it's ok?...
xo

Sciencechick

Y'know, you really DO have to forgive that 22-25 year old. The takehome lesson is that you DID get out. Wouldn't we all like to go back to that 22-25 year old and have a talkin' with them? I know I would, except that I married my 23 year old mistake and here I am 18 years later getting divorced. We learn, we grow......and, yes, youth is wasted on the young, indeed.

And who ever said that clamdip was for more than one?.....well possibly 2 if the bag of chips is big enough!

Jo

Yeah, what Tam said, far better than I articulated.

jilbur

Y'all have my back. Yea, I am blessed with the fruits of mighty mighty love and friendship. Truly--you rock, and I'm grateful.

Honestly, I don't blame myself--and I do forgive myself. As one guru said: 'You can feel remorse. It's good to feel remorse. But you only can take 10 minutes for remorse.' I'm glad that I've learned something, and I regret the expense to myself and others. For example one person I barely mentioned above was C and A's child. Nothing is simple, least of all hindsight.

But hey--what really, really shocks me is the relative paucity of comment on the clam dip. Well, I guess only an intimate family member like sciencechick can truly deeply appreciate that alchemical concoction of mollusk and cultured dairy.

Tam

well, on a related topic, what is Clamato all about? Does anyone actually drink that--now or ever???...

alice

Only by tossing out the Clamato of our yesterday can we enjoy the Bloody Mary of today.

(I want to be a guru.)

jilbur

My father-in-law loves him some Clamato. Seriously--he'll give you 20 minutes of joyful discourse if he manages to find it anywhere--he will lovingly linger over the details of the serendipitous delirium of the moment of his discovering The Grail That Is Clamato.

Now, I'll give it to you straight: if no one heads straight to the kitchen and makes clam dip, and then reports back that it's amazing and I changed her/his life, I'm shutting down the blog. This means you.

Well, perhaps not. Yet.

Julia S

OK OK, I'll go out and get some canned clams. We need toilet paper anyway, as I get jumpy when we are down to less than 30 rolls in the house.

This post made me cry. Without going into me me me, for which I have my own blog damn it, I can only say I sympathize and I am glad that you have forgiven young Jilbur for being well, young and Jilbur. The remorse quote made me want to buy your merchandise and, on top of that, if this clam dip is as good as you say it is I am driving to the coast to clean your house. An expression of my gratitude for writing this, you know.

Can one still be stupid and remorseful at 32? Just asking.

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